The Pattern Beneath Over-Functioning
You said you wouldn’t do it again. You told yourself that this time it would be different. And yet… you still stepped in, picked it up, fixed it, handled it… and now there’s more on your plate.
This isn’t about willpower. This is a pattern.
Over-Functioning Isn’t a Habit – It’s a Role
You didn’t randomly become “the reliable one”. That role was shaped over time. Your competence was rewarded with more responsibility. Maybe you equated being needed with being valued. And, if you look back on your life, this may have been reinforced from a young age – maybe in your family, or school – and then reverberated into your work and leadership.
You’re not just doing too much, but instead you’ve been assigned an identity.
The Invisible Agreement
Have you noticed that you’re feeling crushed by responsibility and accountability while others are not? That’s not just perception. When you begin to over-function, you create mini-agreements with the people around you. These become unspoken contracts and start to define how people around you interact.
“I will handle it” sounds a lot like “You don’t have to do it”
“I will anticipate” sounds a lot like “You don’t need to think ahead”
“I will carry it” sounds a lot like “You won’t feel the weight”
The result is that others adapt to your over-functioning, and the system stabilizes around your behavior. You start by trying to solve a problem that somewhat overlaps with your team and suddenly you’re owning the entire thing.
It goes from being an individual problem to a systemic one.
Why It Feels Hard to Stop
There are three main reasons why leaders (including myself) have a tendency to fall into these.
- Competence Loop: You know you can do it better. Or faster. You know the steps and how to get there quickly. And frankly, it’s just easier and more efficient. It requires less effort. And then that efficiency reinforces the behavior.
- Control Illusion: The chaos shows up, and it feels like good leadership to step in. You think if you don’t step in, the chaos will continue and make it harder to move things forward – even if it really shouldn’t be your responsibility. It feels responsible, but it’s actually a type of protection against the unknown.
- Identity Risk: You’ve been acknowledged your whole life for adding value and for being reliable. If you stop stepping in, that identity feels threatened. Maybe you’re worried that you’ll be replaced or people will think less of you.
It’s not just a behavior issue, it starts to shift your identity. And stopping feels like a risk. You worry that you’ll cease to matter.
What Over-Functioning is Actually Costing You
You’re not just burning yourself out (though I’m sure that’s happening). You’re degrading the leadership and legacy that you’re trying to build.
Remember the “teach a person to fish, he’ll eat for a lifetime” saying? When you over-function, you fish for the people around you instead of teaching them. You teach people to depend on you instead of growing. They have to come back to you again and again instead of being more self-sufficient.
Accountability is removed from the system when you over-function, and everything starts to land on you. No longer can you expect other people to do what they should do based on their title. The event that should be your colleague’s now needs your touch. The content that has nothing to do with your division falls to you. You get the work, and they get the recognition.
You become the bottleneck. Nothing functions without you. You have to check-in on weekends, sick days, and vacations because if you don’t, everything else ceases to function. If you do manage to take time off, your return looks like punishment in the form of your inbox and calendar.
You carry decisions that shouldn’t be yours. Your team looks to you to make calls on small things like font size in an email about a large project. Your colleagues punt decisions to you. Suddenly you’re the only one making decisions. At first, you might feel important, but then it drains you.
Your intent is to help, but this isn’t helping. Instead, it’s distorting the system.
The Shift
Let’s be clear here. You’re not going to stop over-functioning overnight. And, you’re not going to stop over-functioning by:
- Trying harder
- Setting better goals
- Becoming my disciplined
Remember, this is not a willpower problem.
You stop by first noticing:
- When you step in
- Why you step in
- What feels at risk if you don’t
When you start to notice, ask yourself some questions:
- What am I about to take on that isn’t mine?
- What discomfort am I trying to remove?
- What would happen if I didn’t step in?
This will give you some insight, and perhaps you can start to notice patterns around where you’re over-functioning most.
Redefining “Leadership”
We’re going to start to shift away from the over-functioning identity and into something that fits you better for the long-haul.
Instead of these:
- Reliable is being the person who always delivers
- A leader is the person who fixes, fills the gaps, and ensures success.
Let’s shift that definition into something a little more sustainable.
- Leadership creates clarity, not dependency. You can help structure without taking on the work yourself. This allows people to own their role and contribute to success.
- Leadership allows others to carry weight. You have a team for a reason. If you can do everything on your own, you don’t really need a team. I can move my couch on my own, but it is so much easier when I have someone to help me move it.
- Leadership tolerates discomfort for long-term strength. You do not gain strength without discomfort – whether you’re building muscle or endurance or a team. It might take a little longer or be a little awkward, but it will be a benefit long-term.
This pattern didn’t happen overnight. And, you won’t break it overnight. But now you can see it. And once you see it, it’s really hard to unsee.
If this hit home, you’re not alone. This is exactly the work I do with leaders.
